Loving and losing

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and the it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever." - Grey's Anatomy

I think this is why people are afraid to love. Because being in love puts you in a vulnerable position, you put your guard down all the way and let someone in. Falling in love is like cutting your heart out and handing it over to the other party saying, "Take a knife, do whatever you want with it." And yes, I know love is beautiful and uplifting and rewarding. A lot of times, we bask in the glory of love, of loving and being loved. But we forget that it is possible for love to turn into hate in a blink of an eye; Love is a choice and sometimes, people just choose to stop loving. The world is broken down, imperfect as it is and more often than not, we put too much faith in temporal and imperfect things. We sink deep into it, and then it falls apart.

What do you do when you get your heart broken? No one taught us how to deal with it. We fall, and learn. In every situation, it takes two hands to clap, to make a sound. For something to work, it takes effort from both sides. As much as you want to control and facilitate it, you can't. And when you get your heart broken, sometimes, you may just have to pick up your own pieces and walk forward, don't look back.

That aside, being left in the dark is worse than an outright rejection. I hate to be left hanging. I hate it when I don't have anything to hold on to or believe in. I hate lies and I hate cover-ups. The truth can and will hurt. But I would rather have that than meaningless and ridiculous excuses. Talk is cheap, very cheap, and sometimes even free. If you never meant it, why did those candy coated words come out of your mouth? That, I do not get. I know a lot of times, I get trapped in my thoughts, it's like this unfathomable abyss that I kept swimming in. Everything I'm running away from is in my head. And I keep thinking about reasons why and answers to every question in my head. But I realise, somethings, they don't have any answers. It is just as it is, no matter how high you search, there just isn't any answers. And you just have to learn to accept it the way that it is; Then, move on.

Love is supposed to be fulfilling and gratifying. And I still believe that it should be. To survive in this world, everyone needs love. And here I'm not only talking about romantic love between a male and a female. But sometimes, we look for love in all the wrong places, at the end of the day, we still feel lost and empty. Yet, knowing that, we keep pushing ourselves into this black hole and it seems as if we can't get out of it. We forget that, if we do turn around and look back, love is always there to lift us up again.

Unconditional love, only few can give. And I am glad that I have friends who really do love me unconditionally, even after meeting the ugliest version of myself. They stood by close, never giving up on me and always supported me through good and bad times. And that's really all I need to get by each day. It doesn't matter to them what really happened, they just want a nod from me to see that I'm okay. Details about a situation is really secondary. I believe what my friend said is true; You got to be careful who you share your life with because only a few genuinely care for you, the rest are just curious.

God is very gracious to me. He gives me the most awesome people in the world as my friends, and I thank God everyday for them. In their arms, I know it's okay to be not okay, just for a while.

What doesn't break you makes you stronger. Through this whole ordeal, I'm coming out better, more matured, and definitely stronger. I'm not crying because it's over, but I'm smiling because it happened. Hey all the evil forces in the world, I am ready for my next battle, bring it on.

Thank you for loving me, even if it was just for a while. Honestly, I would have loved you forever.